Letting Go: Why It’s So Hard, Especially in the Bedroom
Letting go of anything can be tough. Whether it’s old habits, an ex, or even foods that no longer agree with you (shoutout to the lactose-intolerant cheese lovers), releasing the need for control is never easy. And, surprise, it’s just as challenging in the bedroom. As a sex and relationship coach, I see this struggle come up constantly—both in my personal life and professional practice.
So, I’m curious—have you ever struggled to reach orgasm? If the answer is yes, you’re definitely not alone. If you’re familiar with the “pleasure gap,” you’ll know that women and people with vaginas face unique challenges when it comes to achieving orgasm. But regardless of how you identify, distractions during sex (whether solo or partnered) can throw off our ability to fully experience pleasure. When we’re not present in the moment, sex can feel more like a task than a joy.
That’s why I’ve put together a few tips and tricks I’ve learned to help you surrender to the sexual experiences you deserve.
Invest in Sex toys to help you reach a mind-blowing orgasm
The Womanizer Premium 2 Sex Toy
The Womanizer Premium 2: A Game-Changer for Pleasure
One of my absolute favorite tools for pleasure is the luxurious Womanizer Premium 2, which, in my opinion, should be a staple in every vagina-haver’s sex toy collection. The Womanizer was my first real introduction to high-quality sex toys, and it holds a special place in my heart. Featuring their patented Pleasure Air Technology, the toy targets the clitoris (though there are variations available) and delivers suctional vibrations that send waves of pleasure through the body. In fact, 98% of users report experiencing an orgasm the very first time they use it!
If you’re looking for a toy that will allow you to surrender to a new level of bliss—and maybe even experience multiple orgasms—I cannot recommend this one enough. It was there for me when I was first starting to experiment with my body and sexuality, and it’s literally sitting on my nightstand, staring at me now.
And if you’re still skeptical? I gifted one to a friend, and she told me it made her squirt the first time she used it. No joke. It’s that good.
Now, I get it—this might seem a little intimidating at first (totally normal!), but exploring your body is the key to building a healthy foundation of sexual experiences that you can grow from. Giving yourself permission to be curious and experiment will help you develop the self-acceptance and confidence needed to truly trust yourself. I truly believe solo play is the most important sexual relationship you’ll have in your lifetime. After all, who knows you better than you?
The We-Vibe Chorus Vibrator
For Partnered Play: The We-Vibe Chorus
For those in partnerships and looking to explore, I highly recommend the We-Vibe Chorus—an intuitive couples vibrator designed for mutual satisfaction. The best part? It’s remote-controlled, so both you and your partner can be in on the pleasure. What I absolutely love about the We-Vibe Chorus is how it’s shaped to fit your body seamlessly, hitting your g-spot and leaving you wanting more. Trust me, it’ll have you singing!
Another fantastic feature? The We-Vibe Chorus connects to an app, meaning you and your partner can enjoy intimate moments no matter how far apart you are. Long-distance relationships, I’m talking to you! And hey, even if you’re flying solo, the Chorus is still a great way to experiment with new angles of pleasure and satisfaction. It’s a wonderful way to enhance solo play while learning what truly works for your body.
Where to Get It: You can snag both the Womanizer Premium 2 and We-Vibe Chorus over at Lovehoney, the world’s largest online sex toy shop.
Be Mindful and Intentional in the Bedroom
Overthinking, Underthinking, and Staying Present
You might find yourself either overthinking or underthinking during sex. It’s easy to get in your head, especially with a new partner. Overthinking often comes from not feeling fully comfortable yet, while underthinking happens when your mind starts drifting to non-sexual thoughts—like the laundry that needs folding or that grocery list you keep forgetting to add to. And, let’s not forget about the outside distractions: traffic noises, loud neighbors, or phone notifications that seem to always interrupt the moment.
For this reason, it’s essential to block out distractions and make focus a priority. The most effective way to have amazing sex is simply to stay present, tuning into the sensations you’re experiencing rather than letting your mind wander. When your body goes on autopilot, you miss out on the richness of the experience. Practicing mindfulness not only enhances mental and physical health but, when brought into the bedroom, it can increase desire and arousal, bringing you closer to satisfaction.
And the benefits of good sex go way beyond just a great orgasm. We’re talking lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, better heart health, improved self-esteem, less depression and anxiety, boosted libido, natural pain relief, better sleep, increased intimacy (with your partner or yourself), and overall stress reduction—both physiological and emotional. Nature’s literal miracle, right?
Practice Sexual Confidence
If you’re someone dealing with body image issues, those insecurities can often surface during sex. Feeling unattractive or self-conscious can make it tough to relax and fully receive pleasure—ultimately making it harder to orgasm. But here’s the truth: sexual confidence isn’t about being “good” in bed or having a “perfect” body. It’s not even about focusing solely on your partner’s pleasure.
At its core, sexual confidence is about feeling comfortable in your body, knowing you deserve pleasure, and being able to communicate what feels good to you. It’s about being open to your partner’s needs while also honoring your own. A huge part of building confidence is recognizing that all bodies are “good bodies” and all are deserving of pleasure. Embracing this mindset can make a world of difference when it comes to how you feel about yourself and your sexual experiences.
Gizi Vibrator G-Spot Waterproof Stimulator Silicone Quiet Powerful Rechargeable Angled Sex Toys Adult Only (Purple)
